Letters to Myself #1: Dear Younger Me, Who Was Afraid

 

To: Celestine Everhart at 12 years old

Dear Younger Me,

I know you’re scared right now.

Losing Granny is not easy. After moving to Everhart Estate, everything probably feels cold and unfamiliar. I know how many things you were afraid of. I know how often you talked yourself out of trying because failing felt worse than wondering what could have happened.

Meeting your father and brothers for the first time was hard. Accepting Elias’s hand was hard too, because I know people didn’t treat you like the young miss of the Everhart Estate. Starting etiquette lessons in Mistress Elena’s Pavilion felt overwhelming.

But I know something you don’t yet.

We’ll get through it.

I know the fear you felt when you entered high society and eventually the academy. You grew up in a village, surrounded by people who knew you. Suddenly, you were surrounded by nobles who seemed to know exactly how to behave, what to say, and how to carry themselves.

You thought you weren’t good enough.

And perhaps some people thought the same.

But you weren’t weak because you were afraid.

You were afraid because what you were facing mattered to you.

Remember the first time you met Father and were ridiculed in front of the Emperor? Yes, it was scary. Father was even scarier at home because he was always so cold and distant.

But that painful meeting became an opportunity.

An opportunity for us to grow closer to Father and Elias, the Crown Prince.

Then came the ball.

It was difficult. You were nervous, worried that you would make a mistake, and afraid that everyone would notice.

But people saw your progress.

Some of them even praised you for it.

Do you remember all those long hours of practice? The way you walked back and forth until your steps became graceful? The countless times you practiced holding a teacup elegantly? The hours you spent learning etiquette because you were determined to become someone who could stand confidently among the nobility?

Slowly, even Elias started becoming genuinely interested in you.

You didn’t notice it at first.

You were too busy trying to prove to yourself that you belonged.

Even when we visited Mother’s family home, you managed to find a way to bring your brothers closer to you. You made them want to protect you.

And eventually, you discovered something you had been afraid to believe for so long.

Mother really loved us.

The road ahead will be difficult.

It will hurt.

And you don’t need to know where the road ends before you take the first step.

As time goes by, some things will hurt anyway.

The people who once praised you will eventually turn their backs on you. You will get scolded again. There will be days when you question yourself and wonder whether you were ever good enough.

And that’s okay.

You are allowed to have days when you doubt yourself.

You are allowed to be afraid.

Most importantly, you deserve kindness even before you become the person you’re proud of today.

I remember how hard we had to practice.

I remember how hard we had to study.

But remember this—you still didn’t give up.

Remember all those times when Father’s letters came to Granny. Remember the way you looked at Granny, quietly hoping that Father would finally ask about you.

You were waiting for him to notice you.

You were waiting to feel wanted.

And even when things were uncertain, you kept going.

You’re a brave and wonderful girl, Celestine.

You still sat at the dinner table even when you, Father, and your brothers didn’t share many memories together.

Remember that silent night before you moved after Granny passed away?

You were terrified.

You were heartbroken.

You didn’t know what would happen next.

But you got through it.

And if you could get through that night, you can get through everything else too.

When I think about what I want to tell you, these are probably the most important things.

Go.

Make mistakes.

Ask questions.

Say yes if you want to.

Say no if you don’t.

Stop waiting until you feel fearless.

You don’t have to become fearless before you start living.

Just take the first step.

I wish I could go back and tell you that the future isn’t as frightening as you think. Not because everything will be easy, but because you will become stronger than the person who is afraid of it today.

So take the step.

Make the mistake.

Try again.

Let yourself be uncertain.

You don’t have to stop being afraid. Just don’t let fear convince you that you have to stop living.

You’ll be okay.

Love,

Crown Princess Celestine Everhart Eldoria