Ink & Instability: How My Mental Illness Shapes My Fiction

As many of you, my regular readers, already know, I have been living with schizophrenia for the past ten years, soon to be eleven. Schizophrenia is a complex and severe mental disorder that affects a person’s thinking, emotions, and behaviors. In my case, it includes symptoms such as auditory hallucinations and visual disturbances. Though once classified into subtypes like "paranoid schizophrenia," modern diagnostic systems now recognize it under the broader term schizophrenia.

Living with a mental illness has never been easy. However, over time, I have learned to accept myself and my condition. This journey has profoundly shaped my writing, especially my fiction. Writing allows me to channel my imagination, often placing myself in the shoes of my characters. My experiences with schizophrenia help me visualize scenes in vivid detail, lending authenticity to the narratives I create.

Do My Stories Naturally Explore Mental Health Topics?

While my fanfiction does not necessarily reflect mental illness, my original novels often incorporate aspects of psychological struggles. For example, Hanna in Double Minority Hanna has schizophrenia, Dinda in Bayang-Bayang Ujian bagi Dinda battles the trauma of her past, and Mina in Di Balik Janji Keluarga struggles with deep-seated trust issues. These characters reflect different facets of mental and emotional struggles, drawing inspiration from my own experiences and observations.

Are My Characters Shaped by My Struggles?

Absolutely. Every writer pours parts of themselves into their characters, and for me, Hanna from Double Minority Hanna resonates the most. Through her, I explore the realities of navigating a new environment while living with a mental illness, mirroring my own challenges in facing the world with schizophrenia.

How Do My Emotions, Fears, and Hopes Manifest in My Writing?

Reflecting on my early writing days in primary school, I often wrote stories about achieving dreams, perhaps as a way to escape reality. In my more recent works, my emotions, fears, and hopes are deeply embedded within my characters. I write about fear, uncertainty, and resilience, ultimately striving to instill hope—hope that my characters, and by extension, myself and my readers, can find a path to a better life.

Writing as a Coping Mechanism

Writing has been my therapy since childhood. I now maintain a daily journal to process my emotions, finding it to be an essential outlet for my thoughts. Storytelling helps me view the world in a more positive light. Though pain and struggles are inevitable, writing reminds me that we can overcome challenges and emerge stronger.

Challenges and Strengths of Writing with a Mental Illness

One of the biggest challenges I face is maintaining focus. Writing fanfiction, for instance, requires familiarity with established characters, which can be overwhelming. At times, I experience brain fog or intrusive thoughts that disrupt my flow. However, my unique perspective also enhances my storytelling. My lived experiences allow me to craft authentic, emotionally resonant narratives that challenge common misconceptions about mental illness.

Does My Perspective Add Depth and Authenticity to My Stories?

Yes. My experiences shape how I portray my characters and their struggles. Writing Double Minority Hanna allowed me to immerse myself in the character’s emotions, picturing what it would be like to move to a new country while coping with schizophrenia. I strive to create characters that accurately and respectfully represent mental health challenges.

Balancing Creative Expression with Self-Care

To avoid burnout, I take Sundays off from writing. This day of rest helps me recharge—whether it’s through skincare, painting my nails, or simply relaxing. Emotional events, like my sister moving to another island for work, remind me how important self-care is in maintaining my mental well-being.

Ensuring Authentic and Respectful Mental Health Representation

Research is key. I make a conscious effort to educate myself about different mental illnesses, drawing insights from my mental health community. My doctor once told me, "Having a mental illness doesn’t mean you can’t work or pursue your passions." I hold onto these words as I write, ensuring that my stories challenge harmful stereotypes and depict mental illness in a way that is both honest and hopeful.

Challenging Harmful Stereotypes

Through my writing, I aim to break the stigma surrounding mental health in Indonesia. My characters challenge myths such as "people with mental illness are dangerous," "you can’t work with a mental illness," and "you’re doomed to fail." By presenting nuanced portrayals, I hope to shift public perceptions and foster greater understanding.

The Importance of Mentally Ill Writers Telling Their Own Stories

Everyone has a story to tell, and mentally ill writers bring invaluable perspectives to literature. Sharing our experiences can dismantle taboos and increase awareness. Personally, I aspire to change how mental illness is perceived—not as something terrifying but as a part of life that can be managed with the right support and understanding.

Embracing My Identity as a Writer

Far from being a weakness, my mental illness has become a source of strength in my writing. It enhances my creativity, deepens my empathy, and allows me to craft characters that resonate with readers. I hope to inspire other writers with mental illnesses to embrace their voices and share their stories.

A Message for Fellow Writers with Mental Illness

I know the struggle—the feeling of being trapped within your own mind. But remember, your writing is your power. You can succeed despite the challenges you face. Keep writing, keep fighting, and let your words be a force for change. I’ll be rooting for you, and I hope you’ll do the same for me.